Caved.
I sat down yesterday at my computer intending to buy three tickets to Texas for December. I said to Shanna, “You understand that I’m not going, right?” Her eyes got as wide as saucers. “But you have to...
View ArticleNot proud.
In my continual efforts to not have secrets about which I feel shame, yesterday we had kind of an incident. I had to dismantle the slide. An adult friend who was far above the weight limit decided to...
View ArticleThe tier thing.
A really nice girl recently told me at the tail end of a conversation, “And I don’t even care what tier I am on.” I think you are awesome-sauce. I am going to detour hundreds of miles to see you. The...
View ArticleFriendship, race, and tokenism.
One of my dearest friends made a few comments post-party. Later she said, “Oh I was kidding.” You don’t say something four times unless it hit a nerve. So let’s get into this. First and foremost: I’ve...
View ArticleSensitivity
I don’t think that I am “responsible” for how other people feel. I don’t think I can “make” them feel comfortable or uncomfortable all by myself. This is a collaborative sort of dance. That said, I...
View ArticleAll honey badger like.
I was thinking about what triggers the suicidal urges. Because I need to control them. There are lots of triggers but some are more predictable than others. Gaslighting is a pretty sure fire way to...
View ArticleDepression vs. Boring Adulthood
I’m having a conversation with someone about what constitutes depression. If you are exercising, making food three meals a day, cleaning your house, playing with your kids, writing books, and reading a...
View ArticleDreaming of privilege
I miss being really stoned. I hate my dreams. I’m edgy and tense and on the verge of being really snotty. So recently a friend was talking about food stuff. When he was a kid he was forced to sit at...
View ArticleNeed a working definition of pride.
Yesterday Shanna asked me several times, “Does this make you feel proud of me?” Given that she is now at the stage where she is *asking* for that feedback I need a better way of explaining the concept...
View ArticleDistraction
If you do much research on mental illness, or really any undesirable behavior you want to eliminate, distraction is key. This week in therapy my shrink spent a lot of time harping on the idea that I...
View ArticleAnger and feelings
Now my ergonomic keyboard isn’t working. Because there is a conspiracy to destroy my arms. Today was a therapy day. We talked about my feelings. Cause I have them. And I pay someone to listen to me...
View ArticleI want to paint a picture.
Picture a huge cement room. Huge. Like 30′ by 30′. Every two feet throughout the room on the floor, in a grid pattern, is a water spout. So you can shoot water up into the air like they do at...
View ArticleWords need definitions: grounding
Well, we had quite a weekend. Hoo boy. The kids are grounded. For the purposes of this event grounding has been defined as: you do not get privileges for a week and for one week you are not allowed to...
View ArticleDefine yourself.
I have been having a lot of thoughts lately about identity and what I do and who I am and what makes different choices matter so much. I’m doing too much “Well I’m not _____.” I need to not define...
View ArticleProblems and complications
J- you aren’t wrong that they are problems for me. I’m not disagreeing with you. But whether something is a “problem” or just a “complication” depends largely on your perspective, mind-set, and...
View ArticleModeling
I had a thought about things being easier with former-students than friends. People tell me that I sound like I think I am better than people–because I’m such a bossy know it all. Mostly I have massive...
View ArticleBragging.
I was feeling kind of angsty. So I used an 18 year old coping method and I went and found a chat room. I sure like talking to people. That lead to a series of weird feelings. I can’t get into specifics...
View ArticleWords, definitions, insults
Bitch, asshole, cunt. Why do we love these words so much? It isn’t just me who has a love-affair. I self-identify easily as an asshole. Yup, I’m self-absorbed and I’m going to default to thinking my...
View ArticleNeed a new box
In my head I tend to classify how much I can ask from people. There are some people I can ask a lot from and some people… not so much. There are some people who can provide physical support but no...
View ArticleViolence and feminism
Yeah, Wendy is right. I was muddling together two topics in the last really big post. There are two separate issues: the interplay between a husband/wife (I’m being hetero/cis-centric here) and the...
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